Terri's Journal

Note: A journal to my son David Allen in that this
journal is basically me talking to him....

I went into the hospital this morning really scared facing
your birth via c-section. Some parts were painful before
I was put to sleep and I was so very cold on the operating
table. I was shaking so bad from both cold and fear that
if I would not have been strapped down, I would have
fallen off the table! (smiling)! LOL

As soon as I got back to my hospital room, I asked for you
and the nurse brought you in. You were so big! I was
really surprised at how big you were! I kept you in the
hospital room with me the whole time other than when they
had to do weight checks etc.

That first night neither me or your dad got any sleep because
my IV line kept beeping. The machine was broken but for
whatever reason it wasn't replaced until I no longer
needed it! GRRR!!! Your dad and I got to
really
enjoy you until Wednesday October 29, 2003 when 3 people
from Social Services walked into the hospital room saying
you needed to go into protective custody because of
Chris's past history with children he had from a pervious
marriage in terms of problems with them. I was
DEVESTATED!

In any case, both you and I were released from the
hospital October 30, 2003 and you went into foster care
that day.

The County arranged for your Dad and I both to visit with you
3 times a week 3 hours per visit. Alot of times Chris did
not come for visits because he said he felt "overwhelmed"
by the number of visits per week. As for me though, I
could not seem to get enough visits. If I would have had
my way, I would have wanted to be with you on a daily
basis.

I Love You!

Your Mommy

Dear David

I visited with you for the last time at
the foster parent's home. The County social worker
talked to me Friday, January 9th about your adoped
mom and dad coming to meet you but didn't specify the day
or time.

I didn't find out anything until this morning when I came
for the regular 3 hour visit and Angie said I wasn't
supposed to come until 2:00 PM when your adoped parents
come. I told Angie no one in the County gave me any
details of that meeting so I assumed I wasn't allowed to
be there.

The foster mom called the socail worker and I was told to come back at 2:00
PM even though I still visited with you during the morning
as well.

I was told when I went home that one of the social workers
would arrange a visitation schedule with you and the potential adopters and me.

I Love You!

Your Mommy

Dear David,

I started getting really upset with the County because I
had been told there would be a visitation schedule set up
by the end of the week last week, and when that didn't
happen, I called people that I knew could and would
pressure the County -- it finally worked and there was a
visit Thursday the 22nd.

I couldn't wait to see you that day as I had been worried
sick that I might not see you for a long time because the
County wasn't doing what they were supposed to do.
However things seems to finally get worked out though I
had to push hard to get things to work but my whole life
has been like that.

I Love You!

Your Mommy,

I had a visit today with you today and it was really
enjoyable. We tried to go out to the park today but it
was way too cold to stay! We wound up going to the Dairy
Queen instead. I was able to feed you some carrots for
lunch. You have gotten 2 bottom teeth and are able to sit
up by yourself now!  The potential adoptress told me you get
around by rolling all over the place but haven't started
crawling yet! You are starting to learn to drink from a
sippy cup too! You have gotten so big since the last time
I saw you a month ago!  The adoptress gave me some more
photos of you and your most recent doctors records. I
showed her some photos of you I took right after you were
born and some other photos I took of you with my camera
that I plan to make copies of and give to her on our next
visit so she can have them to show you and/or give to you
when you get older.

I love you so very much and think of you every day!
Your father and I just moved from our other
apartment last week because the apartment we had lived in
is being torn down so we had to be moved no later than
June 1st. I'm also trying to keep busy going to a support
group/day treatment group that meets 3 mornings a week as
well as doing volunteer work 2 times a week at a local
hospital. I'm also putting in job applications and
resumes hoping to get a job part time somewhere here in
in the area.

I know you are adjusting with the potential adopters.
You have changed so much over the past months! You are
always on my mind and in my heart!

I love you always!

Your Mommy

Dear David,

It was so exciting to see how much you have grown! You
were moving and rolling around well and almost crawling...
getting your legs under you! The potential adoptress said that
you really love swinging as well as being in your
stroller. The potential adoptress also said that you love to be
on the floor playing with your toys. I heard that you
really enjoy playing with the other children you see at day
care which is really good! I'm also glad to see that you
enjoy eatting your vegetables and squash is one of your
favorite ones. Your adopted mommy said that as far as food
that fruit was your favorite which is good too as fruit is
good for you! I know that you should be crawling within
the next couple of weeks too and then you will be really on
the move!

I'm planning on putting together a scrapbook to give to you
when you are 18 if you would be interested in having
something like that.

I Love You with All my Heart.

Your True Mommy,

Hello David,

It was wonderful as always to see you today! You are
getting so big each time I see you! You crawled today for
the first time and I was honored to see it! I am so proud
of you! I also got photos of you when you were in your
swing, sleeping, outside in your walker, feeding yourself
cheeros, I also found out you had gotten your 2 top front
teeth within the past month and that you have been using
them to bite people... LOL!

You are my reason for living and the only reason I can go
on! I'm only fullfilled knowing I can see you monthly and
can get photos of you during those visits as well as be
able to interact with you. I can also see that even though
I only get to see you now once a month, the mother/son bond
is as strong as it ever was even as it was when you were
born! I'm so glad you climb in my lap and want to be
cuddled by me.

I Love You Very Much Sweetheart!

Hello David,

I just wanted to write a short note filling you in on my
own life. I have been doing volunteer work at 2 local
hospitals mostly doing clerical type work. I have to keep
busy when I'm not with you or I will literally loose my
mind! That doesn't mean I don't think about you!
You are
always in my thoughts, in my heart, and a part of me
forever! I have also been looking for a part time job also
as a way to keep busy if I get one as well as a way of
being able to save money as I want to start to be able to
save money and put in a separate account for you to use to
go to college if that is your wish.

I will also be having foot surgery most likely in August
due to the fact I have bunions on both feet because of
being flat footed. My right foot really hurts when I try
to walk and most likely surgery is the only way to correct
the problem. In any case, I have a consultation with a
foot surgan August 9th to see what his recommendation is.
I'll write more here on the 9th to let you know what the
outcome of that visit is as well as a surgery date as soon
as I know that. I'll also write to let you know how the
recovery is going.

Well I have to go now to read a few more e-mails and go to
bed as it is getting late!

I Love You Always and Forever!

Your True Mommy

Dear David,

I talked with the potential adoptress to arrage the visit for
tomorrow. She told me some good things about you! She
said you were an inquistive little guy! In fact, at one
point while we were chatting, you went chasing after the
cat! The potential adoptress said that you crawl under the dog!

She also said that you love potatoes,
spegetti, and macroni and cheese but that you will eat
anything! She stated that you eat ALL the TIME!

The adoptress did have some possible scary news though.
She said that at your 9 month checkup that the doctor said
your head was larger than normal and that you
needed to be taken back to see the doctor in 4 weeks to see if
your head got any larger. If so, you would need to be
referred to a pediatric nurologist to have it looked at and
probably testing done to see if you have hydrocephalus.
The doctor already knows that both me and your dad have
hydrocephalus and have VP shunts.

If you do wind up having hydrocephalus, I'm going to get
everything I can get my hands on from the hydrocephalus
association on infant and children hydrocephalus.

I'll write more tomorrow after the visit with you about
what we did and how the visit went overall.

I Love You with All my Heart!

Your Mommy Forever

The visit went really well for the most part. The potential adoptress said something that was a concern to both me and your
dad. She said that when you had your 9 month checkup that
your head was larger than normal. I was concerned because
an enlarged head can indicate hydrocephalus in infants and
children; however, she wasn't concerned about
it or not enough in my opinion. She did say that in 4
weeks you would be going back to the doctor and they would
measure your head again and if it had grown anymore, that
you would be referred to a pediatric nurologist for further
testing.

You were able to walk unassisted for a couple of steps!
Also you were able to push one of the library chairs to
help with balance and walking! You were very interested in
the books and wanted to tear out pages! You were very
inquisitive as always! One of your favorite foods is
chicken! The potential adoptress said that you will eat things
like spegetti too but you like chicken and mashed potatoes
the best! You sound like you are going to be a meat and
potatoes person!

By the way, I'm going to get a copy of the contact
agreement hopefully before the next visit I have with you
because I think on the agreement it states that on your
birthday and Christmas, the visit needs to be longer than
normal... 4 to 5 hours but I'm going to need to check!
I'm
looking forward to your fist birthday and will be taking
lots of photos!

I Love You with All of My Heart!

Your Mommy

Dear David,

You are growing so much! You now look like a little boy
and not a baby anymore! Chris and I had alot of fun
playing with you at the library. It seems you have some
separation anxiety in that if you don't see the potential adoptress, you start crying. Hopefully you will grow out
of that within the next month or so.

One thing that did happen at the visit that bothered me; at
one point you fell against a table and chair at the library
and started crying. I immediate picked you up and gave you
hugs and kisses on your forehead where you bumped your
head. The potential adoptress stated, "He will be ok. He is
going to fall when he is walking but that is the only way
he will learn." I was shocked at this! I can't believe
she wouldn't pick you up.

Personally, I feel the potential adoptress has somewhat of a
noncaring attitude about your welfare. She seems
indifferent to the fact you might have hydrocephalus...
normal pressure to where you don't have symptoms right
now. I feel you should be checked by a nurologist for it
anyway by a CT scan and MRI.

Also she is noncaring in the way she deals with things such
as falls ect. I can't believe she would let you cry without doing something.

Love Always,
Your Mommy

Hello David!

We celebrated your birthday with you at Old Country Buffet.
At first all you wanted to eat was jello! However, after
you had part of your bottle you ate your chicken and corn!
We opened your gifts from me and your grandmommy Meineke at
the restruant. You really liked the blocks that your
grandmommy gave you!

The potential adopter said that you had pictures taken at your daycare and
I'll get copies of those at our next visit! I also found
out that you are going to be a puppy dog for Halloween!
You are going to have another party with family on
Saturday! I'm going to be calling Saturday night to find
out what gifts you got then so I can write them all down in
your baby book!

I took a lot of photos of you again on your BIG DAY! It
doesn't seem a year since you were born! Time really
passed fast! It will soon be Christmas and time to get you
some more gifts! I hope you like the Sit and Spin I bought
for you! I also got for you a winter outfit and a Bible
you can read when you get older! I'm going to buy you a
Chridren's Bible
along with a couple of toys and clothes!

Well I better go for now and write in your baby book!

I Will Love you Always and You are Always in My Heart and
In My Thoughts!

Love,
Your True Mommy

November 25, 2004 Thanksgiving Day! (13 months)

Hello David,

I hope you are having a wonderful Thanksgiving Day! I hope the potential adopters focus on the "reason for
the season" and give thanks to God! This is something that
is a constant concern for me is if they are teaching you
about God and Jesus. I know they told me that they went to
church regularly but to me that isn't enough. I want you
raised in a Christian home and environment.

I know we have a visit scheduled with you Monday, November
29th which I'm really looking forward to! I hope that the
professional photos that were taken on your birthday are
ready and will be given to me and your Daddy on our
visit Monday!

I'm going to be starting an office technology course Monday
that goes for 12 weeks in order to make myself more
employable and increase my chances for getting a job. One
of my goals is to put aside money each month for your
college education.

I Love You Very Much!

Your Mommy

Dear David,

The visit went well! David you really love to climb..
LOL! One new trick you now do is that you like to
bounce! It looks like you are doing a "bouncing dance!"
I call it your own unique aerobic dance exercise LOL! You
are still really fasinated with trains! After playing in
the library for awhile and taking photos, we went with
out to have lunch.

You sure like playing spoons! The potential adoptress tried to give you
some cole slaw and you made faces... you didn't like that
at ALL... YUCK! You are so cute and getting cuter every
time I see you! It hurts me every time I see you to see
how much I'm missing in your daily life! In fact, I'm
suffering enough now that it is getting harder and harder
for me to eat normally partly because of knowing I will
never be allowed to raise you and due to the stress I'm
having in my computer class, I'm hoping to loose a lot of weight.become
aneroxic. I know that is bad to say but I want to loose
LOTS of weight!

Hello David,

Your Dad and I had alot of
fun with you tonight playing with the trains at the
library, playing with the blocks and the slide. You
really like the play phone at the library! The potential adoptress said that they had to start putting the phone
up high out of reach. You also like climbing... even to
the point of climbing on tables which is a "no no" so you
don't get hurt! I thought it was funny that you liked
playing around and splashing in the water fountain. You
are so funny and cute!

At the end of the visit the potential adoptress said some
very strange things asking about how we were doing
emotionally with the adoption. I was a bit shocked and
taken back by that statement and asked what she meant.
She said that she was concerned that I wasn't "detatching
emotionally" from you like I am "supposed" to. How can I
detatch when you are my flesh and blood? I'm thinking of
possibly showing the adoptress my book and having her
read it since she is so concerned about detachment issues
and the fact that I have trouble with trust but I'm
concerned that it might be preceived wrong too. I admit I
do have trouble trusting people but it stems from being
abused myself. I have to get to know a person awhile
before I can really begin to trust them.

In any case, the potential adoptress brought me to tears tonight
by her comments of adoption counseling and that I needed
to "detatch emotionally" from you and I just won't detatch
emotionally no matter what she would want.

I Love You Very Much and Always Will.

Your Mommy

URGENT NOTE: Since this visit the County social workers have been involved with all visits after January 2005 at the potential adoptresses request. Because of this, I've asked my case manager to be involved too in order to protect myself because I don't trust socail workers or CPS to do their job like they are supposed to and I wouldn't feel safe without my own support at any visit. At this point, the potential adoptress wants the County social workers.. CPS to be involved in supervising all visits until David is 18 so I'm requesting the same thing of my case manager also. The things the potential adoptress said to me were none of her business as to how I handle things. Also David's dad has not wanted to be at any visit since January 2005. I don't know if that will always be the case or not but this has been true up through May 2005.

NOTE: Even before going to the visit in January I wasn't feeling well. I wound up falling on ice and hitting the back of my head and back really hard on concrete. No one helped me or checked to see if I was ok so I got up and called the nurologist and saw the chiropracter. I went to the ER the following day after the visit for a CT scan. My shunt was fine but my neck was a mess and I found out I suffered a concussion. I had to wind up seeing a physical therapist for 3 months to correct balance problems because when I was walking, I was almost falling. By the way, the potential adoptress knew I had fallen the day of the visit. Maybe that is why she used that day to "verbally attack" so to speak.

Dear David,

I was terrified when going to this visit because the
social worker was there which was ok though I
don't trust CPS workers. I also insisted that my case
manager be there if a social worker would
be there because of the trauma I experienced at the last
visit.

The visit went better than expected though I did sense
alot of tension in the air mainly coming from the potential adoptress. I didn't talk to her at all other than to
say "Hi" and that I had a Valentine gift for you.

Some notes of what she said about your development that I
overheard her share with the social worker is that you
like pulling cans out of the cabnets and handing them to
her so she is teaching you how to share which
is good! The potential adoptress also said that you mimic words though you
do say "mine" which the adopted daughter taught you which I think is
funny! You are such an independant little man! You make
the cutest expressions! You were so funny at the library
today laughing and running around! You sure like the
trains! I took a whole roll of film to be developed and I
asked my case manager to take a few photos of the 2 of us together
since I don't have that many photos of the 2 of us. I
plan on putting some of those in the scrapbook I'm going
to creating for you.

I also talked to the social worker at the end of
the visit about what your adopted mom said at the last
visit that was so hurtful and painful regarding detachment
and that I needed to get on with my life and I needed
adoption counseling. She said that she needed to talk
with another social worker about it because another social
worker talked to the potential adoptress to find out what was going on and
the social worker at the visit would try and get back with me by Thursday.

You had alot of fun playing. You like to run away from
people who are watching you You think that it is a game!
I think it is funny though I know the potential adoptress isn't amused by it. Personally I think it is fun chasing you! It is also very good exercise! You are certainly very active! When you climb on things though, you tend to want to climb on things that you are not really supposed to climb on and it is hard to distract you from it! You are the kind of person who doesn't forget easily! At this age, I guess that "supposedly" isn't a good thing. However, you not getting distracted and being able to focus on something espically if it is positive will help you greatly in life! You seem to have quite a bit of determination which you get from both me and your dad as well as a very strong will! Your dad seems a bit more strong willed than I am though *Smile" LOL!

Dear David,

It was really fun visiting with you again! As always it is
such a thrill to see you and watch you growing! You played
peek-a-boo with me! Some of the words that I was told you
now use are "mine" "bye-bye" and I've heard that now you
sometimes say "thank you!"

You are growing all of your molers and because of that you
like to bite into the frozen baby carrots! You love a
vegetable that I never did like---carrots!

I took plenty of photos of you again--like always, I use a
whole roll of film during a visit! You sure like to run!
I'm hoping that eventually maybe when you get older, we can
have some visits that are not at the library but that is up
to the potential adoptress I guess.

I found out that I will no longer get photos of you
other than 2 times a year (and even then I'm not sure that
will happen) so because of that, I'm taking as many photos
as possible during a visit and will go on doing that. I am
terrified that visits could stop. As far as the photos, I
had been using some of the photos potential adoptress sent me
for scrapbooking but now, I'm going to have to use photos I
take of you at the visits only... that is why I have to
take so many photos!

The visits due to the fact that the County is involved is
already being reduced to 1 hour per visit instead of 2
hours like we have had in the past because according to a
Country Social Worker she can't be at a visit more
than an hour. I know the potential adoptress is happy about this arrangement!

By the way, I did ask the potential adoptress about in the
future when you start school if I would even be allowed to
have copies of progress reports as to how you would do in
school. I was told that I would get those 2 times a year.
I wonder if that will even happen because the nasty comment to that question was "It is 4 years away!" YIKES!

Mother's Day is coming up next Sunday. That is a super
hard day for me! In fact, Mother's Day is harder than your
birthday and Christmas because it is a reminder that I'm
your mom but you are not with me where you belong!

Your dad is going to buy me a Mother's ring that
has diamonds on the front of the ring and the word "Mom"
engraved on the back.

With All My Love Forever and Always,
Your Mommy

Here is a letter written to an adoptee support
group on Mother's Day May 8, 2005 by a Mother...

Joe, Thanks a Bunch from a Mother....

Moms, no matter how many children you have.... lost, found,
reunited, raised, one or a busload, in your life or missing
in action.... I sincerely wish each and every Mother here a
Happy Mother's Day.. Some Mothers' feel this is an awful or
sad day for them.... Still Celebrate the Day... It was
through your body and soul that each and everyone of your
children is alive, walking the face of this earth, your
legacy to humanity. It was because of you that adoptive
parents were given 'parenthood' status by Society, most
times against your will. All Adoptive Parents should be
thinking of and thanking the Mothers of their now adopted
children. Without the machinations of our so-called Good
Society, they would be childless and alone... It is not the
adopted child or the natural mother who should be feeling
gratefulness and loyalty.... it is the adoptive parents
that should be down on their collective knees giving
thanks, compassion and understanding to the Mothers who
they so felt entitled to their babies... And on Mother's
Day they should also be saying Thanks to their adopted
children with huge measures of love, for being allowed by
law (not nature) to raise our children. I only wish
adoptors knew and truly appreciated how precious the lives
of our children are. Not for selfish benefit of many an
adoptor but the realization that these were perfect little
human beings who were wanted and loved by their mothers.
But Good Society determined otherwise, that their own
Mother was not 'good enough' to love, raise and nurture
their own babies. Adoptive Parents! give some thanks today
that you have been allowed to also celebrate Mother's Day..
For without our Babies and us the Natural Mothers...
Mother's Day would just be another day for you....

Love to all the Moms and their Children!
Chris 'nmom' 1964

May 24, 2005 Visit (19 months)

You are in my thoughts, in my prayers and in my heart
ALWAYS AND FOREVER!

I LOVE you ALWAYS AND FOREVER,

Your ONLY TRUE Mommy,

Terri

Here is the article/person writing to an adoptee support
group on Mother's Day May 8, 2005.

Joe, Thanks a Bunch from a Mother....

Moms, no matter how many children you have.... lost, found,
reunited, raised, one or a busload, in your life or missing
in action.... I sincerely wish each and every Mother here a
Happy Mother's Day.. Some Mothers' feel this is an awful or
sad day for them.... Still Celebrate the Day... It was
through your body and soul that each and everyone of your
children is alive, walking the face of this earth, your
legacy to humanity. It was because of you that adoptive
parents were given 'parenthood' status by Society, most
times against your will. All Adoptive Parents should be
thinking of and thanking the Mothers of their now adopted
children. Without the machinations of our so-called Good
Society, they would be childless and alone... It is not the
adopted child or the natural mother who should be feeling
gratefulness and loyalty.... it is the adoptive parents
that should be down on their collective knees giving
thanks, compassion and understanding to the Mothers who
they so felt entitled to their babies... And on Mother's
Day they should also be saying Thanks to their adopted
children with huge measures of love, for being allowed by
law (not nature) to raise our children. I only wish
adoptors knew and truly appreciated how precious the lives
of our children are. Not for selfish benefit of many an
adoptor but the realization that these were perfect little
human beings who were wanted and loved by their mothers.
But Good Society determined otherwise, that their own
Mother was not 'good enough' to love, raise and nurture
their own babies. Adoptive Parents! give some thanks today
that you have been allowed to also celebrate Mother's Day..
For without our Babies and us the Natural Mothers...
Mother's Day would just be another day for you....

Love to all the Moms and their Children!
Chris 'nmom' 1964

Dear David,

I just got back from my visit with you! You are so cute
and so much fun to play with! You really enjoy playing
with the trains at the library and throwing them! You made
a game of derailing the trains and handing them back to me
so I could put them back together for you! I think my case
manager got some good photos of us playing together like
that! You sure like to play with the blocks and puzzles
too but I think you like the trains the best! You sure
like to climb on things too! In fact, on some of the
things you aren't supposed to climb on that me and the potential adoptress
tried to keep you from, you "threw a good tantrum!" I
think you get your daddy's temper~ and you are very
presistant and determined like me! I notice you don't
forget things nor are easily distracted from things like
most children your age.  The potential adoptress might not like that, but
personally I think the presistance and not forgetting
things and not being easily distracted are very GOOD traits
to have because it shows you have good concentration and a
good memory! The determination and presistance is a good
trait too because it means that you will always go after
what you want! I'm glad to see that you are being your own
person and not letting anyone stand in your way!

I found out though that your head is still larger than it
should be which is a sign of hydrocephalus but that your
development hasn't slowed or gone backwards so that is
good. I'm glad that at least the potential adopters are having the
pediatrician keep an eye on it by having it checked every 3
months. I hope that if you start showing other signs of
hydrocephalus that is looked at right away and treated if
need be.

I found out that at 18 months you have already learned how to use a fork!
That is FANTASTIC! Most children can't do that at 18
months! You are at the pulling hair, biting and scratching
stage though!  The potential adoptress said that when you pull her hair or
bite and she tells you "No" you think it is a game and
laugh at her! You will eventally learn that is a "no no"!
*Smile!* Also your favorite word to say is "Mine"! That
is always true of children your age though!

I'm so glad that you are comfortable with me enough now to
actively play with me! You seem to remember me well from
one visit to the next which is good! I hope that your
daddy will start coming to the visits again soon!

I can't wait to get the photos developed of the visit
because I'm sure I got some good ones! I'm hoping to get
2
sets of photos from the last 4 visits developed within the
next 2 weeks or so. I'm WAY BEHIND on that! I want to
start scrapbooking again starting this next month! I'll be
starting to put together the Heritage Scrapbook for you too
starting in July! I always like keeping busy with designing and making new things to include doing web sites like this one! I guess you could say, you keep me on my toes! "Smile" LOL.... It's fun though!

Love Always and Forever,

Dear David

I'm sorry I didn't write sooner but I've been depressed
about the whole adoption situation and didn't know what to
do about my feelings.

Anyway when I got to the visit, the adoptress brought you in and I
played with you at first with the trains and waited for the
Social Services to come in and my case manager as well. I
didn't feel like talking to the adoptress at all when we were
alone. I just don't feel comfortable around her anymore
and I think she is the same way. That is why she decided
the Social worker would be at all the visits and I decided
my case manager would be there as well.

The adoptress did say that you know some new words and that you
say "no" anytime you are asked a question! I guess the
word "no" is a fasinating word to use for children your
age! I found out that you know new words like "uppies"
though I don't know what context you use that word. You
also say "sippy cup". You didn't really talk at the visit
though. I guess you were just being shy around me.

You played with the trains quite a bit but you kept giving
the trains to the adoptress to put back together when they came
apart unlike the last time when you had me putting them
back together for you. Maybe that is what I've been
depressed about partly is because you are shy around me
again I guess because we only see one another once a
month. I wonder if you forget who I am between visits.
I'll be glad when you get older where we can have
conversations and can talk about things.

I haven't worked on the scrapbook for you lately in quite
awhile I guess partly do to depression. Maybe I need to
get back into doing that and it will help. I don't know.
Well I'll try and write more often especially about my
thoughts and feelings even between visits if possible.

By the way, I did get a new job and don't have to do
janitorial work anymore! I'm going to start work at the
hsopital where I've been volunteering for over a year next
week as a medical records clerk! I'll probably do that for
awhile and then eventially move to a better postion at some
time maybe as a medical transcriptionist once I finish that
course. I've been so depressed though that I haven't been
working on my course lately either. I'm going to get back
into working on it this weekend though I hope.

I was supposed to go to Texas tomorrow for vaction until
July 18th but due to getting the job at SMDC, I wasn't able
to go and had to postpone my trip. That is the only
negative thing about getting the job at this point.
However, I will have to take the trip soon so I don't loose
the money my mom used to pay for the trip.

Well I'll write more later probably after I've been at the
job for a few days to explain how that is going.

I Love You with All My Heart!

Love Always and Forever,

Your Mommy,
Terri

July 22, 2005
Dear David,

I had a special time with a friend I have known on line for
several years who is also a survivor of abuse. He came
from England to visit me as well as a couple of other
friends he has known on line for a while.

We had alot of fun though I did have to work at my new job
part of the time he was here so we didn't get to spend as
much time together as I would have liked. We went to the
gym once. I showed Edward where I work in the hospital.

One of the days that I was off from work we went to the
rose garden and Canel Park to get some tourist gifts. We
also went to the Depot and rode the train and toured part
of the musum. The next day we went on a picnic at Park
Point that the police put on for the community.

Edward left to go back to Canada today so he could fly home
back to England from there. I have been feeling let down
and depressed all day. I really enjoyed having Edward here
to visit. He is just like he is on line! I sure will miss
his sense of humor!

I look forward to chatting with him again! I did show
Edward the scrapbooks I've done for you so far and all of
the photos I have taken of you. He thought you were really
cute! Edward also seemed upset when he found out the
situation with the County being involved in the visits. He
is very supportive of me and your dad Chris in relating to
you.

I Love you with All of My Heart! You are always on my
mind! I'm really looking forward to visiting with you next
Friday!

Love Always and Forever!

Your Mommy
Terri

July 29, 2005
Dear David,

It seems like you are learning new words and are fasinated
by cars! The adoptress said that when going down the road and
other cars are on the road, you say "car" and keep
repeating it. That sounds so cute!

At the library you were saying "car" today and your colors
like "red" "yellow" and "blue." You are also fasinated
with a charter called "Wiggles." The adoptress said that you like
to watch them on TV and have books about them and they are
characters you can learn from.

I haven't been feeling well within the past week and had
gone to the chiropracter right before seeing you this
morning. I was tired and had been sick with headaches most
of the week. I'm assuming part of that could be the result
of the new job I have though I don't know for sure. I
enjoy my new job, but it can be stressful.

I still can't talk to your foster mom though. She
makes me feel too uncomfortable and I'm afraid of her and
her verbal attacks. Your father Chris wants to go to court
and get the adoption pushed though as well as get things
settled between me and your foster mom. The thing
is, I don't trust her anymore after all she has told me and
treated me since January and even before that. In any
case, I don't want to be around your foster mom/adoptress alone anymore
certainly not without my case worker. I think she feels
the same about me and that is ok with me.

Your True Mommy,
Terri

Tell me the story again. You know the one.

Tell me about the years of heartbreak and pain and about
the day you brought me home. Remind me that I was sent to
fix your broken heart. An expectation I know I can never
live up to.

Tell me how much I was wanted and remind me of all that you
expected me to be.

Tell me again about my adoption day and remind me that I
was given away.

I spent the night with L last night. We spent the entire
time locking her brother out of her room. I thought of my
own little brother and how much I lost. How I will never
know the feeling of an irritating little brother trying to
crash my sleep over. I will also never know the feeling of
having a brother to grow up with.

So tell me again how much I was wanted and remind me how it
was meant to be.

The blanks in my life and the falsified birth certificate
made my world a puzzle. Counting the pieces – they aren’t
all there but I tried to put the puzzle together anyway
knowing full well that without all the pieces, the puzzle
won’t be complete.

My life – incomplete

So tell me again how much I was wanted and remind me how it
was meant to be.

Then things changed.

I woke up sweating. Even though I felt more whole in one
way, I felt less whole in so many more ways. The reality
hit. I lost so much.

Mom and dad, tell me again about how much I was wanted and
remind me how it was meant to be.

It reminds me of the ladder – remember that?

The never ending ladder

Stupid ladder

She tries to climb to the top

But fails

Always fails

There is no end

The goal is unreachable

Painstaking

Heartbreaking

Unbearable pain

Intense loss

Unreachable

Stupid ladder

So tell me again how much I was wanted and remind me how it
was meant to be.

August 2005 Visit

Dear David,

I've been getting to the point of being so stressed out at
the visits that I'm having to take panic medication before
any and all visits. When I got there at 10 A.M., your foster mom/potential adoptress
and you were the only one's there. No one from the County
showed up and Joyce was at least 20 minutes late. Because
I was alone with your foster mom/potential adotress, I didn't say anything at all to
her. In fact, I never say anything to her directly anymore
since January. I'm too afraid of her to say anything.

You are getting so BIG! You certainly are funny! When we
got to the library, you started doing acrobats by trying to
stand on your head! You did that a couple of times and
kept smiling and laughing and sticking your tounge out.

You are learning more about sharing too in sharing with
other kids at the library. You still like to climb
everywhere.

Also I found out that you like to reach for things you are
not supposed to and like to play with the telephone.

I'm going to start e-mailing your foster parents/potential adopters once a month
the week before a visit to find out about your development
and how you are doing in general. The reason is because
the contact agreement states that I can have contact
between visits via e-mail, phone or letter to find out
about your progress.

Well I'm going to go get ready for bed. I just got home
from work and have to get up early in the morning.

Love Always and Forever

Your ONLY TRUE MOMMY